If you go around thinking that the children will listen to you straight away, you are making a big mistake. Especially if you seem unsure, they will take the gap like a wing in a rugby match. Also, take into account that the Dutch children are definitely smarter than our children and grow up in a completely different disciplinary system than our children here. These children with whom you are going to au pair, must have the choice to want to listen to you.

So what do you do now? See if these following guidelines and tips can help you:

1. Be Consistent. Your rules must be applied consistently, because it provides structure. The child must know which punishment can be applied to which transgressions.
2. Choose clear boundaries.The child must know what is acceptable and permissible. Boundaries provide a sense of security for children. It also helps them develop self-control.
3. Give choices with consequences. The child must learn that certain behaviors have certain consequences. For example, if you yell at me, I will not listen OR throw a tantrum and you will get time out. This way he learns that less pleasant consequences follow misbehavior and learns to apply self-discipline.
4. Distinguish between child and behavior. When your child has done something naughty, be careful not to put a label around their neck. Condemn the behavior, not them. If you make them out to be a monster, their trust in you will be damaged forever.
5. Speak so that the child understands. Never make up rules in the heat of the moment. Explain a rule in language he can understand and not above his level. Children often break a particular rule because they don’t understand it clearly.
6. Keep the future in mind.Think long term… what are you achieving by yelling at him now? Also, never be too tired to discipline, because then you are giving him the gap he is going to take. Also, don’t let your emotional state determine the punishment.
7. Don’t procrastinate.To reinforce good behavior and discourage bad behavior, immediate action must be taken, otherwise the here and now situation is lost. Children have a short memory span, and if you threaten to tell his parents tonight, he will have already forgotten what he did wrong.
8. Praise when he/she does something good.He/she is also always looking for your approval and often doesn’t know what to do to get it from you. If you praise him for what he does well, he will do it again.
9. Be realistic.Often, discipline problems arise because you have unrealistic expectations. It serves no purpose to set limits on a child’s judgment. You cannot expect the same behavior from a one-year-old as you would from a 4-year-old. Adjust your discipline to the age of the child.
10. Plan and Prevent.Routine makes discipline easier. Within a certain routine, the child feels safe and deviates greatly from it, and you end up with an unmanageable, irritable child. Routine therefore also requires thorough planning on your part.
11. Be confident.It is very important that the children get the idea that you are in control. Don’t ask: “What are we doing today?” Instead, say: “This is what we are going to do today.” Then they will follow you, but in order to follow you, you must know what you are going to do. So plan the next day’s actions in the evening.
12. Give lots of love.Always show them that you love them and give them lots of hugs. This makes the child feel safe and cherished. It also makes you feel good, because a child who receives love gives back just as much.

Try it, and see and experience the positive results.

Next time I’ll talk about: How do I deal with it if I don’t get along with my host mother?

Ja, jy gaan, dit is iets wat geen au pair ooit ontsnap nie! Dit is ʼn gegewe en nou gaan dit afhang hoe jy dit gaan hanteer.

Wat presies is homesickness? Die Engelse woord sê dit baie duidelik: Homesickness is the distress by being away from home(land), family and friends. Dit beteken dus dat jy baie na jou land, familie en selfs vriende gaan verlang. Soms dink ek dat van die au pairs meer na hulle vriende of ʼn spesiale vriend verlang as na hulle ouers!

Homesickness kan dadelik intree sodra jy daar aankom, of na so ’n paar maande as al die nuwigheid verby is. Maar vryspring gaan jy dit nie! Almal kry dit nie in dieselfde graad van intensiteit nie. Die meisies wat al ʼn paar jaar in ʼn koshuis weg van ouerhuis af gebly het, ervaar dit nie so intens nie.

Hoe gaan dit voel of wat is die tekens?

• Jy dink konstant aan jou ouerhuis
• Jy raak angstig
• Jou motivering (van hoekom jy in Holland is) neem af
• Jy verskil van ander wat die nuwe ervaring terdeë geniet
• Jy voel geïrriteerd
• Jy voel eensaam
• Jy mis alles wat jy met jou huis assosieer
• Jy raak negatief en raak hartseer, jy onttrek jou van ander en wens jy kan met iemand connect wat die gevoel kan wegvat.

Baie meer simptome kan opgenoem word, maar bogenoemde beskryf sommige van dit wat jy moontlik mag ervaar.

Homesickness moet nie met depressie verwar word nie!!

Wat kan ek daaraan doen, as ek so begin voel?

• Besef eerstens dat dit ʼn normale gevoel is en dat ALMAL daar deurgaan.
• Gun en gee vir jouself die tyd om by jou nuwe omgewing aan te pas.
• Praat met ander oor hoe jy voel. Vertel jou gasgesin, familie, ander au pairs of jou agent.
• Kry foto’s en dinge wat jou aan die jou huis laat dink om in jou nuwe kamer te sit (vat dit dus sommer by voorbaat saam!).
• Maak planne om besig te bly, gaan besoek plekke en doen dinge om jou aandag af te trek.
• Raak betrokke by ander au pairs en aktiwiteite wat gereël word. Baie keer is ʼn mens nie hiervoor lus nie, maar dit is juis die lyn wat jy moet oorsteek.
• Moenie jou gevoelens ignoreer of probeer om dit met drank, dwelms of riskante gedrag te doof nie.
• Leer wat jou sal help om te ontspan – miskien is dit mooi musiek, ʼn lekker fietsrit deur die bosse, oefening, gaan draf – iets wat dus by jou sal pas.
• Gaan bekyk jou omgewing – dis anders, nuut, vreemd en lekker!!
• Bly in kontak met familie en vriende op gereelde basis (nie noodwendig elke aand nie!).
• Wees positief oor jou nuwe omgewing, die taal en die kultuur – dit is tog waarvoor jy gekom het!!
• Luister na die raad van ander, al beteken dit dat dit nie regtig dinge is waarvan jy hou nie, maar wel nodig is.

Deur die jare se ervaring met au pairs, het ek geleer dat sommige au pairs nie regtig die raad wil aanneem wat gegee word nie, want dit haal hulle uit hulle comfort zone uit. Ja, dis presies wat ek sê, dit word ʼn gemaksone, en dis lekker, want almal kry my jammer en het simpatie met my! Met so ʼn houding bereik jy niks nie en maak jy jou ouers baie angstiger as wat hulle reeds is. ’n Persoon wat homesick is, kan baie selfsugtig wees, want haar doen en denke draai net om haarself. En julle sal oplet dat ek hier juis praat met die dames. Nog nooit in al die jare, het ek ʼn enkele geval van ʼn manlike au pair gehad wat homesick is nie!!

As jy dus jou bevind in so ’n homesick-situasie, kom gou daaroor en maak dit die beste jaar ooit!

Volgende keer meer oor: Wat maak ek as die kinders nie na my luister nie?