This is where most of the problems lie and is something that every potential au pair should realize from the start.

The first thing to take into account is the directness of the Dutch. They don’t twist things around, and they don’t “sugar coat” anything. So you’re going to know very clearly where you stand with them. You’re going to struggle with that, because sometimes you think they’re being rude, but it’s definitely not meant that way.

It is also very important to know that the Dutch do not just give out compliments; on the contrary, criticism comes much sooner! For example: an au pair cooks the most delicious food, everything is eaten, and no one says anything about the food. If the au pair were to ask: “But isn’t it delicious for you?” then the father would answer; “We would have said if it wasn’t!” So, if you don’t get criticism, it’s a compliment!!

The forms of address “oom” and “tannie” are definitely not tolerated there. You address everyone by their name, regardless of age. Only if they are really your family, you can use oom and tannie. It is not seen as disrespectful, not at all. Small children also address older people by their names. Hard for us to digest, because we “Oom” and “Tannie” everyone who is 10 years older.

When it comes to eating habits, they are absolutely committed to not wasting anything, and it is better if everything is eaten. So if you are not going to attend a particular meal, you should definitely say so in advance. Leftover food cannot be given to people who might come begging, simply because there are no beggars.

The Dutch are always looking for a bargain, and this comes from their background as a trading people. They can sometimes seem very stingy, especially if someone owes them something. They only give themselves the best and will go away every holiday if possible.

Cycling is a cultural thing!! The children are raised like this from a young age. Apart from the fact that it is very good exercise, it is part of their daily existence. Things are simply done, mostly by bicycle and they are set up for that. The most wonderful bicycles, bicycle paths, preference for cyclists, the beautiful nature to cycle through, restaurants along the bicycle paths and in the woods, which can offer the necessary refreshment — what more could one want! No mountains, so all flat roads. If you as an au pair do not want to cycle there, you will very quickly feel left out and au pairs who cannot cycle at all will definitely not be placed.

A cell phone — or mobile, as they call it — is definitely just an emergency tool and not at all the way we use it here, to spend every free moment on it. People don’t walk or sit around and sit there all the time fiddling with their cell phones, and get used to not just running when the thing rings. Especially not when you’re sitting at a table or visiting people — that’s simply inappropriate! Get used to only using it at night to quickly send a WhatsApp or to see who called you during the day. When you’re working (working hours) you don’t walk around with your cell phone.

These are some big cultural differences and next I will talk a little more about their traditions and special holidays.

One of the things that can happen to you as an au pair is that you don’t get along with your host mother. This is something that needs to be addressed immediately.

Normally it is you who has to make the necessary adjustments, and often it is a big disappointment, because you have already had a nice chat so often before you left and it seemed so promising! And now it seems like she could be a witch! Personality differences come to the fore – she has a different way of doing things; your way of doing things is completely different; she criticizes you about the food; about the way you talk to the children; how you treat them and so on.

It doesn’t matter what the real problem is, the fact is that it needs to be solved. How do I go about it? You start right there in the house, by arranging with her that you can talk about this one evening around the table. Please wait until the children are in bed before you start this conversation. It’s not nice to have children competing for the host mother’s attention.

Now that you’ve found some quiet time, first ask if you can get yourself a cup of tea/coffee/glass of wine. Then sit down quietly around the table and get straight to the point, because right now something is happening that needs her attention.

Always start with a positive attitude — in other words, tell her how much you enjoy living in Holland, thank her for the opportunity they offer you as an au pair at their home, how nice your room is, how much you enjoy the children and how much you have grown to love them in a short time, etc. But tell her that it feels like she doesn’t like you very much, or that things don’t seem to be going smoothly, and what you can do to improve the situation. Remember, you are the least important here, so you are asking what you can do to improve things between you.

It could be that these are small things that you just didn’t think of, and that you can fix without any effort, but it could also be something that you really have to make a big adjustment for. If you feel that it is something that is contrary to your personality, then you should mention it and not just agree to do it, she should also realize that these are things that you are not used to every day. So maybe this is something that you will have to compromise on. This whole year of au pair work is based on “give-and-take”. Both will have to give up things and gain something in the process. Remember that this is a cultural exchange program and something that is exchanged does not only come from one side — you will have to give and she will have to give. Always be polite. I have seen that some of our au pairs often want to imitate the direct way of the Dutch, but do not yet really have the necessary know how to do it with finesse.

In most cases, such a chat session should be able to solve the problems. If it turns out that the problems are bigger, you may have to call in the help of the agent in the Netherlands or your agent in SA. In a few cases, we may have to resort to the extreme: take the au pair away and place her with another family.

Just remember that this is not done lightly — all methods to make the relationship work must be used and if we see that it is a hopeless case, we will do it. There are of course a few conditions attached to this:

1. You may not have acted irresponsibly.
   
   
2. Your current family must give their permission for this.
   
   
3. A new family must be sought, often also through other agencies
   
   
4. Your new family should be aware of why you are being transferred and what the issues were.
   
   
5. Your environment will change because in most cases you will not find a family in the same town/city.
   
   
6. Your number of children you need to look after may be more or less.
   
   

A transfer is not always ideal, but au pairs still find it much better than trying to get along with someone who is “set in her ways.”

My advice to all au pairs is: do what you are told from the start, make sure that misunderstandings are resolved as soon as possible, speak English to each other if you don’t understand Dutch, have a good sense of humor and try to see the funny in every situation. Make friends and not enemies of the family!

Next time I will talk a little about Cultural Differences.