For foreigners, it is often a shock to be the “prey” of the directness of the Dutch and they are often also seen as arrogant. Openness takes precedence over empathy, and this is very important to them. The origin of this directness can be traced back to the Calvinist period, but it is not of so much importance to us now.

Along with this directness and openness, there is also “negotiable”. Everything is negotiable, everything can be discussed and au pairs often see in the family’s portfolio that they use the words: “in consultation”. And one could illustrate this with an example: “Does the au pair have to go on holiday with the family?” Then it often says: “in consultation”, in other words it is negotiable.

This directness of the Dutch is also known by many other names: offensive, inappropriate, brash, rude and so on, but the fact remains, they say what comes to their mind. They are certainly not afraid to discuss topics, which may be very controversial. They take great pride in the fact that they are so straightforward and in the fact that they “tell it like it is”.

Most au pairs can struggle with this, and it’s especially important to know that they won’t give a compliment if it’s not worth it. We tend to give someone a compliment even if we don’t really mean it, but we’re afraid of hurting feelings. You won’t find that with the Dutch, and it’s not that they’re out to hurt feelings, not at all, they just want to make it clear that you know exactly where you stand. So you never have to wonder if you heard correctly – you did!

During interviews with au pairs, the directness of the Dutch is discussed, and then I often get the answer; “Oh, but I’m just as direct, so it wouldn’t be strange to me”. But then I want to tell you, no one, and not even you, is as direct as the Dutch – they were born that way, it’s their birthright and it takes years to learn it and then you definitely have to live among them for years.

Furthermore, it often happens that au pairs in the Netherlands decide that they are also going to be as straightforward as the Dutch, and the one who has to “repay” it is the agent on this side. And I specifically mention the word “repay” because the finesse with which the Dutch do it is completely lacking in the au pair and it simply becomes rude and arrogant. This is not something that one can simply learn in a few months.

The best thing is for everyone to just do what he/she is used to.

If you thought you were free from your parents for a year now, you are making a big mistake. Although they may not be there physically, they play a very important role in this year that you will be gone.

Their role is twofold:

1. Supportive

2. Motivational

It is very important for all agents to know that you have the support of your parents if you are going to au pair for a year. It would definitely be a very good thing to do to clear up any conflicts with each other in advance, before you go. If this is NOT the case, we can use our own judgment and therefore not send you.

You are going to a foreign country, environment, family, culture and if you are angry at home on top of that, then it is a very good recipe for failure. Because your parents are the ones who should support you; you should know that they are reachable in case you want to shed a tear, want advice on how to handle a child and how to cook rice, etc. They provide the secure base that you so need to make a success of the year. They are your anchor in a foreign world, that voice of mother is sometimes so necessary to hear again and father’s reassuring assurance that they are behind you.

Furthermore, they play the role of motivating you in times when you feel like you can’t and don’t want to anymore. Then it should be your parents who encourage, motivate, tell you again why you chose to do it and NOT say: “Come home, my child.” Then they should be there with advice, nice encouraging chats, maybe just send a recipe or two, make suggestions on how to deal with a naughty child, what to do when you feel things are getting too much for you. This is why they are so important, and if you are angry and don’t have their approval, you really have a problem here.

Of course, our agents also play a role in helping and motivating, but the very personal contact you have with your parents is missing. And who knows you better than Mom and Dad?

Of course, it is also difficult for your parents to see that my child is leaving home, and that is why we as agents can assist them more with advice. It is often very strange to us that parents shy away from calling the family every now and then and hearing if they are satisfied with you. You look after people’s most precious possessions, but your parents have also sent their most precious possession and therefore they have every right to talk to the host family from time to time. The host families have a very high appreciation for this and through it they also get the assurance that there are more people than just them who have invested in the project.

The icing on the cake is of course when your parents (or mom) can come visit you! Those who are not so fortunate to have their parents in Holland stand strong and support each other and make plans together. A year goes by so quickly.

And here I would also like to quote the following to the parents: 

Parents, you have given your children the roots that anchor them in life, but now also give them the wings to spread their wings.

You might think I’m talking to the au pairs when I write this, but I’m actually saying it to myself. After twenty+ years in the Nedsa industry, I thought I knew everything, had experienced everything, you name it and I know about it and am just one step ahead of everyone else. Oh no, I’ve just found out again why an au pair has to come home.

In the Netherlands, dogs are trained from the start and must always be “on a leash” when you go for a walk with them. Some restaurants allow dogs, but then they must be dogs that do not sit and beg and drool and bark, while you enjoy what is there to eat and drink. And believe me, there are dogs like that. You have probably also seen dogs riding on the train – as long as his owner buys him a ticket, he is allowed to ride along and from experience I have seen that Flaffie sometimes behaves better than his owner!

Furthermore, you may have also seen a notice here and there in someone’s garden: “Dogs do not poop here.” I always wondered if Dutch dogs can read, but no, it’s meant for you, the dog that takes you for a walk. Please take it to heart, and if it does happen, you have your bag at hand. Be prepared!

So: take your bag, or alternatively, a “poop scoop” and go for a nice walk with Flaffie and the peace is preserved. There is no such thing as refusing to do this.

We live in times where we blurt out everything on social media. When I was young, I had a diary and my biggest secrets were recorded in it, and woe to the one who dares to look for my diary and read it!… Today everything is openly and openly proclaimed on Face book for all to see. But it’s one thing to do it with your own life – post photos, share experiences etc., but you MAY NOT post photos of the family and their children on FB. You will first have to get permission from them for that and it may be that they will not give it and make peace with that. You are violating their right to privacy if you do it just for everyone on this side to see how cute “your children” are.

If you have a family with another child of about 2-3 years old, chances are very good that you will have to change another dirty diaper and wash bottoms. It’s a given!! Get ready for it. To say I didn’t know that is really stupid of you and you have no experience with a child of that age! Good preparation for one day when you are a mother yourself.

Don’t say you can cycle and then you can’t. Of course it’s easy to say you can do it, but once you get into the practice, the wheat is separated from the chaff!! If an au pair is honest during an interview and says I can’t cycle, but I’m going to train really hard before I leave for the Netherlands, we’ll let you go – you’ll just have to prove that you really can. Don’t say you’re a non-smoker and your FB is full of photos of you with a cigarette in your hand or smoking in the Netherlands! What else have you been lying about! If you can lie about cycling and smoking so easily, what else have you been lying about!

So: I thought these types of things couldn’t happen, and it didn’t and shouldn’t make you guilty of this!! Life could be so much fun and pleasure and be simple, if I didn’t always have to remember what I lied to and who I lied to!!

Our house is living well, we are settled and things are now starting to return to their normal routine. The stamp on everything is the HXH 368 NW which was replaced with CEM 5008 – that was the “grand finale”.

Things at Nedsa have not stood still in the meantime and every week a few au pairs leave for the Netherlands. It is a big difference to leave from a heat wave, to Europe where it has recently snowed, and may still snow. Make peace with the cold, you can’t do anything about it and take comfort in the fact that at least you can now properly put on your winter coat, because here you almost never use it.

It is also quite striking that au pairs who are arriving now often ask us questions here, while it should be something you should ask your family or Joyce there. The most important thing is the COMMUNICATION between you and the family – do not let the opportunity to communicate properly with each other pass. Do not ask questions like the following to your agent or even your mother: “Does the host family have to go to the church with me to register?” or “Will the host family buy me a train discount card?” or “How should I go for a walk with the children – bike or walk?” These are the typical questions that are asked to Mom at home, Mom says she does not know, will soon ask Aunt Rita or Aunt Annelies and we are all sitting at the 11,000 km from you. In the meantime, you and the host family are in the same house – ask them!! This is what I mean by communication! They do not bite, they only speak Dutch and of course you can still speak English to each other to ensure that you understand each other.

Come on girls and guys, be brave, like you were here, and do what you said you would! Now you have to impress us further, like you did during the interview! The fact that you are already in the Netherlands shows that we have complete confidence in you.

We have one big request: Please don’t be in contact with Mom here every day — a Whatsapp message is enough, learn early on to stand on your own two feet. Mom will definitely not feel bad if you can manage without her for a day or so now and then, this is the beginning of your attempt to want to be independent and self-sufficient. Then start right now!! To our Moms — please stand back and allow her to find her feet on her own.

So in two weeks we’ll talk further and we can see what has happened in the meantime.

Joyce and I have been together in the agency for 10 years now, and the whole time the SA head office was here in Potchefstroom. From the end of November, the head office will be in Vermont, Hermanus – by the sea. This does not mean at all that any au pair who falls in my area of ​​North West, Free State and Northern Cape has to feel neglected, everything continues as before and I still arrange everything as before specifically for my au pairs and all our au pairs. It is very easy with email and interviews can be done via skype/facetime/whatsapp video call, which can bridge the distance.

So in early January I will resume the blog and in the meantime I am packing up for the Great Trek to the South. . . You can still contact me, however you want to do it – I may be a little slower with my answers, but then at least you will know what it is about. In the meantime I wish you a wonderful summer holiday, with a wonderful Christmas time with loved ones and a beautiful and prosperous 2018. To our Martrikulants – hope your results reward you for your hard work over the past 12 years.

This is where most of the problems lie and is something that every potential au pair should realize from the start.

The first thing to take into account is the directness of the Dutch. They don’t twist things around, and they don’t “sugar coat” anything. So you’re going to know very clearly where you stand with them. You’re going to struggle with that, because sometimes you think they’re being rude, but it’s definitely not meant that way.

It is also very important to know that the Dutch do not just give out compliments; on the contrary, criticism comes much sooner! For example: an au pair cooks the most delicious food, everything is eaten, and no one says anything about the food. If the au pair were to ask: “But isn’t it delicious for you?” then the father would answer; “We would have said if it wasn’t!” So, if you don’t get criticism, it’s a compliment!!

The forms of address “oom” and “tannie” are definitely not tolerated there. You address everyone by their name, regardless of age. Only if they are really your family, you can use oom and tannie. It is not seen as disrespectful, not at all. Small children also address older people by their names. Hard for us to digest, because we “Oom” and “Tannie” everyone who is 10 years older.

When it comes to eating habits, they are absolutely committed to not wasting anything, and it is better if everything is eaten. So if you are not going to attend a particular meal, you should definitely say so in advance. Leftover food cannot be given to people who might come begging, simply because there are no beggars.

The Dutch are always looking for a bargain, and this comes from their background as a trading people. They can sometimes seem very stingy, especially if someone owes them something. They only give themselves the best and will go away every holiday if possible.

Cycling is a cultural thing!! The children are raised like this from a young age. Apart from the fact that it is very good exercise, it is part of their daily existence. Things are simply done, mostly by bicycle and they are set up for that. The most wonderful bicycles, bicycle paths, preference for cyclists, the beautiful nature to cycle through, restaurants along the bicycle paths and in the woods, which can offer the necessary refreshment — what more could one want! No mountains, so all flat roads. If you as an au pair do not want to cycle there, you will very quickly feel left out and au pairs who cannot cycle at all will definitely not be placed.

A cell phone — or mobile, as they call it — is definitely just an emergency tool and not at all the way we use it here, to spend every free moment on it. People don’t walk or sit around and sit there all the time fiddling with their cell phones, and get used to not just running when the thing rings. Especially not when you’re sitting at a table or visiting people — that’s simply inappropriate! Get used to only using it at night to quickly send a WhatsApp or to see who called you during the day. When you’re working (working hours) you don’t walk around with your cell phone.

These are some big cultural differences and next I will talk a little more about their traditions and special holidays.

One of the things that can happen to you as an au pair is that you don’t get along with your host mother. This is something that needs to be addressed immediately.

Normally it is you who has to make the necessary adjustments, and often it is a big disappointment, because you have already had a nice chat so often before you left and it seemed so promising! And now it seems like she could be a witch! Personality differences come to the fore – she has a different way of doing things; your way of doing things is completely different; she criticizes you about the food; about the way you talk to the children; how you treat them and so on.

It doesn’t matter what the real problem is, the fact is that it needs to be solved. How do I go about it? You start right there in the house, by arranging with her that you can talk about this one evening around the table. Please wait until the children are in bed before you start this conversation. It’s not nice to have children competing for the host mother’s attention.

Now that you’ve found some quiet time, first ask if you can get yourself a cup of tea/coffee/glass of wine. Then sit down quietly around the table and get straight to the point, because right now something is happening that needs her attention.

Always start with a positive attitude — in other words, tell her how much you enjoy living in Holland, thank her for the opportunity they offer you as an au pair at their home, how nice your room is, how much you enjoy the children and how much you have grown to love them in a short time, etc. But tell her that it feels like she doesn’t like you very much, or that things don’t seem to be going smoothly, and what you can do to improve the situation. Remember, you are the least important here, so you are asking what you can do to improve things between you.

It could be that these are small things that you just didn’t think of, and that you can fix without any effort, but it could also be something that you really have to make a big adjustment for. If you feel that it is something that is contrary to your personality, then you should mention it and not just agree to do it, she should also realize that these are things that you are not used to every day. So maybe this is something that you will have to compromise on. This whole year of au pair work is based on “give-and-take”. Both will have to give up things and gain something in the process. Remember that this is a cultural exchange program and something that is exchanged does not only come from one side — you will have to give and she will have to give. Always be polite. I have seen that some of our au pairs often want to imitate the direct way of the Dutch, but do not yet really have the necessary know how to do it with finesse.

In most cases, such a chat session should be able to solve the problems. If it turns out that the problems are bigger, you may have to call in the help of the agent in the Netherlands or your agent in SA. In a few cases, we may have to resort to the extreme: take the au pair away and place her with another family.

Just remember that this is not done lightly — all methods to make the relationship work must be used and if we see that it is a hopeless case, we will do it. There are of course a few conditions attached to this:

1. You may not have acted irresponsibly.
   
   
2. Your current family must give their permission for this.
   
   
3. A new family must be sought, often also through other agencies
   
   
4. Your new family should be aware of why you are being transferred and what the issues were.
   
   
5. Your environment will change because in most cases you will not find a family in the same town/city.
   
   
6. Your number of children you need to look after may be more or less.
   
   

A transfer is not always ideal, but au pairs still find it much better than trying to get along with someone who is “set in her ways.”

My advice to all au pairs is: do what you are told from the start, make sure that misunderstandings are resolved as soon as possible, speak English to each other if you don’t understand Dutch, have a good sense of humor and try to see the funny in every situation. Make friends and not enemies of the family!

Next time I will talk a little about Cultural Differences.

1. Be Consistent. Your rules must be applied consistently, because it provides structure. The child must know which punishment can be applied to which transgressions.
2. Choose clear boundaries.The child must know what is acceptable and permissible. Boundaries provide a sense of security for children. It also helps them develop self-control.
3. Give choices with consequences. The child must learn that certain behaviors have certain consequences. For example, if you yell at me, I will not listen OR throw a tantrum and you will get time out. This way he learns that less pleasant consequences follow misbehavior and learns to apply self-discipline.
4. Distinguish between child and behavior. When your child has done something naughty, be careful not to put a label around their neck. Condemn the behavior, not them. If you make them out to be a monster, their trust in you will be damaged forever.
5. Speak so that the child understands. Never make up rules in the heat of the moment. Explain a rule in language he can understand and not above his level. Children often break a particular rule because they don’t understand it clearly.
6. Keep the future in mind.Think long term… what are you achieving by yelling at him now? Also, never be too tired to discipline, because then you are giving him the gap he is going to take. Also, don’t let your emotional state determine the punishment.
7. Don’t procrastinate.To reinforce good behavior and discourage bad behavior, immediate action must be taken, otherwise the here and now situation is lost. Children have a short memory span, and if you threaten to tell his parents tonight, he will have already forgotten what he did wrong.
8. Praise when he/she does something good.He/she is also always looking for your approval and often doesn’t know what to do to get it from you. If you praise him for what he does well, he will do it again.
9. Be realistic.Often, discipline problems arise because you have unrealistic expectations. It serves no purpose to set limits on a child’s judgment. You cannot expect the same behavior from a one-year-old as you would from a 4-year-old. Adjust your discipline to the age of the child.
10. Plan and Prevent.Routine makes discipline easier. Within a certain routine, the child feels safe and deviates greatly from it, and you end up with an unmanageable, irritable child. Routine therefore also requires thorough planning on your part.
11. Be confident.It is very important that the children get the idea that you are in control. Don’t ask: “What are we doing today?” Instead, say: “This is what we are going to do today.” Then they will follow you, but in order to follow you, you must know what you are going to do. So plan the next day’s actions in the evening.
12. Give lots of love.Always show them that you love them and give them lots of hugs. This makes the child feel safe and cherished. It also makes you feel good, because a child who receives love gives back just as much.

Try it, and see and experience the positive results.

Next time I’ll talk about: How do I deal with it if I don’t get along with my host mother?

Wat presies is homesickness? Die Engelse woord sê dit baie duidelik: Homesickness is the distress by being away from home(land), family and friends. Dit beteken dus dat jy baie na jou land, familie en selfs vriende gaan verlang. Soms dink ek dat van die au pairs meer na hulle vriende of ʼn spesiale vriend verlang as na hulle ouers!

Hoe gaan dit voel of wat is die tekens?

• Jy dink konstant aan jou ouerhuis
• Jy raak angstig
• Jou motivering (van hoekom jy in Holland is) neem af
• Jy verskil van ander wat die nuwe ervaring terdeë geniet
• Jy voel geïrriteerd
• Jy voel eensaam
• Jy mis alles wat jy met jou huis assosieer
• Jy raak negatief en raak hartseer, jy onttrek jou van ander en wens jy kan met iemand connect wat die gevoel kan wegvat.

Baie meer simptome kan opgenoem word, maar bogenoemde beskryf sommige van dit wat jy moontlik mag ervaar.

Homesickness moet nie met depressie verwar word nie!!

Wat kan ek daaraan doen, as ek so begin voel?

• Besef eerstens dat dit ʼn normale gevoel is en dat ALMAL daar deurgaan.
• Gun en gee vir jouself die tyd om by jou nuwe omgewing aan te pas.
• Praat met ander oor hoe jy voel. Vertel jou gasgesin, familie, ander au pairs of jou agent.
• Kry foto’s en dinge wat jou aan die jou huis laat dink om in jou nuwe kamer te sit (vat dit dus sommer by voorbaat saam!).
• Maak planne om besig te bly, gaan besoek plekke en doen dinge om jou aandag af te trek.
• Raak betrokke by ander au pairs en aktiwiteite wat gereël word. Baie keer is ʼn mens nie hiervoor lus nie, maar dit is juis die lyn wat jy moet oorsteek.
• Moenie jou gevoelens ignoreer of probeer om dit met drank, dwelms of riskante gedrag te doof nie.
• Leer wat jou sal help om te ontspan – miskien is dit mooi musiek, ʼn lekker fietsrit deur die bosse, oefening, gaan draf – iets wat dus by jou sal pas.
• Gaan bekyk jou omgewing – dis anders, nuut, vreemd en lekker!!
• Bly in kontak met familie en vriende op gereelde basis (nie noodwendig elke aand nie!).
• Wees positief oor jou nuwe omgewing, die taal en die kultuur – dit is tog waarvoor jy gekom het!!
• Luister na die raad van ander, al beteken dit dat dit nie regtig dinge is waarvan jy hou nie, maar wel nodig is.

Deur die jare se ervaring met au pairs, het ek geleer dat sommige au pairs nie regtig die raad wil aanneem wat gegee word nie, want dit haal hulle uit hulle comfort zone uit. Ja, dis presies wat ek sê, dit word ʼn gemaksone, en dis lekker, want almal kry my jammer en het simpatie met my! Met so ʼn houding bereik jy niks nie en maak jy jou ouers baie angstiger as wat hulle reeds is. ’n Persoon wat homesick is, kan baie selfsugtig wees, want haar doen en denke draai net om haarself. En julle sal oplet dat ek hier juis praat met die dames. Nog nooit in al die jare, het ek ʼn enkele geval van ʼn manlike au pair gehad wat homesick is nie!!

As jy dus jou bevind in so ’n homesick-situasie, kom gou daaroor en maak dit die beste jaar ooit!

Volgende keer meer oor: Wat maak ek as die kinders nie na my luister nie?

It is certainly not every person between the ages of 18 and 30 who can be an au pair, and it is striking how many potential au pairs know this. A similar question is asked during the interview and this is usually the answer we get. The nicest answer I have ever received is that an au pair should be someone who is taken out of her “comfort zone” – and then I would like to add – thrown in at the deep end and then it is a case of swim or drown. 

Let me first mention: young men can also be an au pair, and yes, we have sent quite a few over the years and NEVER has there been a young man who gave up, who could not adapt and all successfully finished their year. And also remember that they have to do exactly the same as a young lady au pair. There is no difference in the work of a male and female au pair. An au pair, is an au pair and an au pair has certain tasks that need to be performed.

So who is a typical au pair? It must definitely be someone who likes children and not just likes them, but really loves them, because for a year your life will revolve around them. An au pair must definitely have the following characteristics: cheerful, friendly, responsible, sense of humor, can take your own initiative, likes a challenge, loyal (towards your host family, yourself and your own country), independent, can think on your (own) feet (if you don’t do this yet, you will definitely learn quickly!), be energetic (actually you don’t have a choice, the children will take care of that!), be creative, can think outside the box, can communicate well, (because communication is what a successful year revolves around), patient, enthusiastic, consistent in your actions towards each child, have respect for yourself and for the host family, be adaptable and so one can go on and on. If the list gets so long, one can understand that not every young lady and man wants to be an au pair, because not everyone can meet all the requirements.

Often a young lady sits in front of me and then I just know – she is going to be a great au pair – she has everything I expect from an au pair! Sometimes I get a little doubt in my heart whether I did the right thing in choosing an au pair, and then that au pair surprises me so much that she is better than the one I never doubted. Some in whom you have complete trust, often unexpectedly let you down.

So examine yourself for these characteristics and realize that you are leaving home for a year and the longing is going to be there, no one escapes “homesickness”, but it will depend on how you are going to handle it.

More about “homesickness” next time.