One of the things an au pair has to get used to when they want to go to the Netherlands is the directness of the Dutch. By that I mean that they don’t twist things around and use the honey brush to convey something to you – no, they speak straight and you will always know exactly where you stand with them.

For foreigners, it is often a shock to be the “prey” of the directness of the Dutch and they are often also seen as arrogant. Openness takes precedence over empathy, and this is very important to them. The origin of this directness can be traced back to the Calvinist period, but it is not of so much importance to us now.

Along with this directness and openness, there is also “negotiable”. Everything is negotiable, everything can be discussed and au pairs often see in the family’s portfolio that they use the words: “in consultation”. And one could illustrate this with an example: “Does the au pair have to go on holiday with the family?” Then it often says: “in consultation”, in other words it is negotiable.

This directness of the Dutch is also known by many other names: offensive, inappropriate, brash, rude and so on, but the fact remains, they say what comes to their mind. They are certainly not afraid to discuss topics, which may be very controversial. They take great pride in the fact that they are so straightforward and in the fact that they “tell it like it is”.

Most au pairs can struggle with this, and it’s especially important to know that they won’t give a compliment if it’s not worth it. We tend to give someone a compliment even if we don’t really mean it, but we’re afraid of hurting feelings. You won’t find that with the Dutch, and it’s not that they’re out to hurt feelings, not at all, they just want to make it clear that you know exactly where you stand. So you never have to wonder if you heard correctly – you did!

During interviews with au pairs, the directness of the Dutch is discussed, and then I often get the answer; “Oh, but I’m just as direct, so it wouldn’t be strange to me”. But then I want to tell you, no one, and not even you, is as direct as the Dutch – they were born that way, it’s their birthright and it takes years to learn it and then you definitely have to live among them for years.

Furthermore, it often happens that au pairs in the Netherlands decide that they are also going to be as straightforward as the Dutch, and the one who has to “repay” it is the agent on this side. And I specifically mention the word “repay” because the finesse with which the Dutch do it is completely lacking in the au pair and it simply becomes rude and arrogant. This is not something that one can simply learn in a few months.

The best thing is for everyone to just do what he/she is used to.