One of the things that can happen to you as an au pair is that you don’t get along with your host mother. This is something that needs to be addressed immediately.

Normally it is you who has to make the necessary adjustments, and often it is a big disappointment, because you have already had a nice chat so often before you left and it seemed so promising! And now it seems like she could be a witch! Personality differences come to the fore – she has a different way of doing things; your way of doing things is completely different; she criticizes you about the food; about the way you talk to the children; how you treat them and so on.

It doesn’t matter what the real problem is, the fact is that it needs to be solved. How do I go about it? You start right there in the house, by arranging with her that you can talk about this one evening around the table. Please wait until the children are in bed before you start this conversation. It’s not nice to have children competing for the host mother’s attention.

Now that you’ve found some quiet time, first ask if you can get yourself a cup of tea/coffee/glass of wine. Then sit down quietly around the table and get straight to the point, because right now something is happening that needs her attention.

Always start with a positive attitude — in other words, tell her how much you enjoy living in Holland, thank her for the opportunity they offer you as an au pair at their home, how nice your room is, how much you enjoy the children and how much you have grown to love them in a short time, etc. But tell her that it feels like she doesn’t like you very much, or that things don’t seem to be going smoothly, and what you can do to improve the situation. Remember, you are the least important here, so you are asking what you can do to improve things between you.

It could be that these are small things that you just didn’t think of, and that you can fix without any effort, but it could also be something that you really have to make a big adjustment for. If you feel that it is something that is contrary to your personality, then you should mention it and not just agree to do it, she should also realize that these are things that you are not used to every day. So maybe this is something that you will have to compromise on. This whole year of au pair work is based on “give-and-take”. Both will have to give up things and gain something in the process. Remember that this is a cultural exchange program and something that is exchanged does not only come from one side — you will have to give and she will have to give. Always be polite. I have seen that some of our au pairs often want to imitate the direct way of the Dutch, but do not yet really have the necessary know how to do it with finesse.

In most cases, such a chat session should be able to solve the problems. If it turns out that the problems are bigger, you may have to call in the help of the agent in the Netherlands or your agent in SA. In a few cases, we may have to resort to the extreme: take the au pair away and place her with another family.

Just remember that this is not done lightly — all methods to make the relationship work must be used and if we see that it is a hopeless case, we will do it. There are of course a few conditions attached to this:

1. You may not have acted irresponsibly.
   
   
2. Your current family must give their permission for this.
   
   
3. A new family must be sought, often also through other agencies
   
   
4. Your new family should be aware of why you are being transferred and what the issues were.
   
   
5. Your environment will change because in most cases you will not find a family in the same town/city.
   
   
6. Your number of children you need to look after may be more or less.
   
   

A transfer is not always ideal, but au pairs still find it much better than trying to get along with someone who is “set in her ways.”

My advice to all au pairs is: do what you are told from the start, make sure that misunderstandings are resolved as soon as possible, speak English to each other if you don’t understand Dutch, have a good sense of humor and try to see the funny in every situation. Make friends and not enemies of the family!

Next time I will talk a little about Cultural Differences.