If you go around thinking that the children will listen to you straight away, you are making a big mistake. Especially if you seem unsure, they will take the gap like a wing in a rugby match. Also, take into account that the Dutch children are definitely smarter than our children and grow up in a completely different disciplinary system than our children here. These children with whom you are going to au pair, must have the choice to want to listen to you.

So what do you do now? See if these following guidelines and tips can help you:

1. Be Consistent. Your rules must be applied consistently, because it provides structure. The child must know which punishment can be applied to which transgressions.
2. Choose clear boundaries.The child must know what is acceptable and permissible. Boundaries provide a sense of security for children. It also helps them develop self-control.
3. Give choices with consequences. The child must learn that certain behaviors have certain consequences. For example, if you yell at me, I will not listen OR throw a tantrum and you will get time out. This way he learns that less pleasant consequences follow misbehavior and learns to apply self-discipline.
4. Distinguish between child and behavior. When your child has done something naughty, be careful not to put a label around their neck. Condemn the behavior, not them. If you make them out to be a monster, their trust in you will be damaged forever.
5. Speak so that the child understands. Never make up rules in the heat of the moment. Explain a rule in language he can understand and not above his level. Children often break a particular rule because they don’t understand it clearly.
6. Keep the future in mind.Think long term… what are you achieving by yelling at him now? Also, never be too tired to discipline, because then you are giving him the gap he is going to take. Also, don’t let your emotional state determine the punishment.
7. Don’t procrastinate.To reinforce good behavior and discourage bad behavior, immediate action must be taken, otherwise the here and now situation is lost. Children have a short memory span, and if you threaten to tell his parents tonight, he will have already forgotten what he did wrong.
8. Praise when he/she does something good.He/she is also always looking for your approval and often doesn’t know what to do to get it from you. If you praise him for what he does well, he will do it again.
9. Be realistic.Often, discipline problems arise because you have unrealistic expectations. It serves no purpose to set limits on a child’s judgment. You cannot expect the same behavior from a one-year-old as you would from a 4-year-old. Adjust your discipline to the age of the child.
10. Plan and Prevent.Routine makes discipline easier. Within a certain routine, the child feels safe and deviates greatly from it, and you end up with an unmanageable, irritable child. Routine therefore also requires thorough planning on your part.
11. Be confident.It is very important that the children get the idea that you are in control. Don’t ask: “What are we doing today?” Instead, say: “This is what we are going to do today.” Then they will follow you, but in order to follow you, you must know what you are going to do. So plan the next day’s actions in the evening.
12. Give lots of love.Always show them that you love them and give them lots of hugs. This makes the child feel safe and cherished. It also makes you feel good, because a child who receives love gives back just as much.

Try it, and see and experience the positive results.

Next time I’ll talk about: How do I deal with it if I don’t get along with my host mother?